Beauty In The World

I have noticed there are so many people who go through life, and never EXPERIENCE life. Life surrounds us. In the trees, birds of the sky, flowers, clouds and rain(or snow). It even surrounds us in art, music, culture and books. It took the creativity of a human life to create the music we hear, the art we appreciate, and the cultures that make the world what it is. There really is beauty in the world. Sure, there are PEOPLE who are a mess, but this world is still beautiful. There is beauty in all things, if we just take the time to look for it. I have let certain circumstances the past couple years, along with the influences of others, cloud my view of the beauty that this world has to offer. It sounds cliche, but we are here only a short time. I know that more than I care to. So, I am making this a pledge to myself. A pledge to stop letting the negativity of others and the negativity of circumstances, cloud my view of the beauty that is LIFE.

First Snow...Not Quite

Every year around late November, early December, we receive what some call, "The first snow of the year so far". It's happening as I write this post. On the street, on the news, even in my own house, you can hear the mumblings of "I hate when it gets cold every year!". How easily we forget the first four months of the year! I have seen it snow here in late April. But every late fall/early winter, it's like everyone goes into shock when it snows. Myself, I love the snow. I love cold weather. I hate being hot. Which is odd considering I am an August baby, and ahfire sign(More on that in another post). I heard on the news that tomorrow when we wake up the snow will cover our cars, but won't stick to the ground because it is still too warm. There's something magical about snow. It glistens in the sun like diamonds. It can be freezing cold, but the beauty of the falling snow, the sun shining down on the white ground with the blue sky above, makes winter seem so magical. For me, it feels as if there is something awakening in me that is dormant the rest of the year. It's hard to explain. When most want to hide in their houses and not go anywhere(Like my mother), I wake up on a cold winter's morn ready to go out and conquer the world. If only I could feel I can conquer the world the rest of the year. Maybe with this blog, my conquering spirit will awaken once again and I won't have to wait for the first signs of winter to feel alive.

Energy

It's been a cold, rainy, dialysis Monday. I haven't had any energy at all. I don't really have much to say about today. I got to hold Bernie for awhile. He actually wouldn't let me put him down. I got to see him catch a cricket with his mouth. Though kinda gross, it was interesting how he didn't even have to look to catch it with one swoop of his tongue. Lucy lied down with me today after dialysis, which hasn't happened in a long time. I think she knew Mommy had no energy today. When I feel this way after dialysis, she tends to cling to me. It's funny, I have a dog and a lizard that will cling to me when I feel bad, but I can't find a man to cling to me when I feel good or bad. I say things all the time about how I don't believe in marriage, which I stand by. But, like all humans with a beating heart, I do long to be loved. Yes, it would take an exceptoinal man to be with me. Wheelchair, dialysis, smothering but loving Mother. Not to mention all the rest of my family. Surely there is someone out there, who could handle me. Who could deal when things get rough. I just wish he'd magically appear. It would be nice to wake up knowing there is someone out there, waking up thinking of me too. I started this post talking about having no energy, to having no man in my life. It's not something I dwell on. It's just something I need to talk about. I can't talk to my mother about it. She would rather I stay single forever. To say I have had bad luck with relationships, is a gross understatement. Again, I'm not looking for a marriage proposal, or even a whirlwind romance. I would love to have someone to talk to, spend time with, and just be myself with. Movies, dinner, theater, the Dayton Art Institute. Those are things I would love to do with a companion. I ask, dear readers. is that really too much to ask for?

Lazy Sunday

Yeah the title for today isn't very original, but it fits rather well. I didn't even change into clothes from my pajamas. It was rainy and cold, Mom and Dad got into cleaning mode, so I stayed in my room all day watching TV. I even let Bernie Puff venture out of his aquarium and held him for awhile. He is so chilled out and doesn't try to run. I cleaned out his food bowl, and he latched on to my finger like he wanted me to hold him again. He's a real sweetheart. For a lizard LOL. Lucy, on the other hand, is another story. My father works M-F from 3 a.m. til 4. He gets home around 4:30. Like clockwork, Lucy gets in the window and waits for him, and then after dinner they go for their walk. Well, even after almost a year, she still doesn't get that Grampa sleeps in on Saturday and Sunday. So she starts barking whining and crying until he gets up and takes her for a walk. Therefore, by noon on Saturday and Sunday I am ready for a nap. Which I did so today. For a whole 3 hours! The thing is, I am still tired. I have dialysis tomorrow and I don't want to go. But, who would? I do enjoy the people I have gotten to know. There are a lot of history lessons to be learned from the people I have met over the years. War veterans, victims (or survivors really) of segregation, and many other interesting characters. I even went to dialysis with a hitman for the Dayton mob. Give an 84 year old some pain medicine, and he'll start talking. He has since passed away though. Anyway, dear readers, I have not been very intriguing this lazy Sunday, but I hope as I get used to this blogging thing, I will have more interesting and witty things to say and talk about. Until tomorrow, I bid you good night.

So I Lied

So the statement that I was going to do this blog daily, turned out to be a big fat failure. It was a holiday, and I gave my opinion on that. But Friday, well I had dialysis, got out about 10 a.m., went straight to Petsmart and got a bearded dragon for myself for Christmas. I always appreciate my own thoughtfulness LOL. It's not that I don't love my Lucy anymore, mind you. I adore her. I had this 20 gallon tank sitting in my room empty. I hated having mollies. Number one, they stink, and two, they breed indiscriminately. I saw some pics of bearded dragons, and fell in love. And as luck would have it, they were on sale on Black Friday. So, I stimulated the eoconmy. Who could blame me. I couldn't think of a name, so I put  a poll on Facebook. I went with my two favorites. Therefore, I now have a bearded dragon named: Bernie Puff. Bernie, because I liked the name, and Puff. Mostly because I am, after all, a child of the 80s. So that, dear readers is my rambling of the day. I shall post pics of Lucy and Bernie Puff at later times, if I get a following. Speaking of a following, is anyone out there? Anyone??

Thankful EVERY Day.

I personally do not "celebrate" Thanksgiving. Being from a large family, I of course have partaken int he tradition of the big turkey, trimmings, pies and family being together. But to give thanks one day a year, to me, is absurd. Especially considering the history of the holiday. I am not going to go into the history of Thanksgiving, but I suggest you google, "Squanto". Look for a link from the History Channel. You willl be quite surprised, as I was, what the true history of this holiday truly is. I am not being a nazi about it. I am going today to my oldest brother's to have dinner and be with family. But, I don't "need" a national holiday to be thankful. There are days, like all of us, that I don't feel as thankful. One of the things I didn't mention in my intorduction, dear readers, is that I am in a wheelchair. I was born with spina bifida. I have had many many surgeries. I also failed to mention, I am on dialysis 3 days a week. But, I am still thankful. I could've been a lot worse off. I could've been born blind, retarded, and not socially accepted, as the doctors so bluntly told my mother when I was born. But, I had a family that didn't allowed that to stop me. Especially my father. They made me feel "normal".  Six years ago, I started dialysis. After years of kidney failure, praying they'd "wake up", they didn't. I wish I had an inspirational story that I smile through it, I prayed thriough it and no one saw my pain. But, I was very angry. I kept denying and denying. Even up until August 6th 2005 when I started my first treatment. But reflecitng on that time, it made me even stronger. I am thankful for having dialysis. I could've been born in India, where I would've been an untouchable from birth. Only to be cast aside by family to live on the street as a begger. I have met many, many amazing people on this journey with dialysis. Veterans, teachers, doctors, mothers, fathers. All of them have a special place in my heart, and I would've never met them without dialysis. So, I guess I just want to say, I don't need a "Day of Thanksgiving" to be thankful. I am thankful EVERYDAY.

Mirror mirror, Who the $!@# am I?

I call myself a writer, but when it comes down to it, I have become lazy. I used to put pen to paper and write for hours. But in this new age of technology, it is easy to go on Facebook, check a few things, and go on our way. Well, from this day forward, I have challenged myself to write daily. About anything and everything. Yes, some things I may say won't mean anything, or even make sense. But, they will be reflections. Reflections of who I have been, who I am now, and who I am to become. Life is change. It's inevitable. So, as short and somewhat sweet as this first blog may be, at least it's a start. A start to finding out who I was, who I am, and who I am going to become. Now, I ask a favor, dear readers. If you see that I have become lazy, and I'm not posting daily, I ask you to please give me a swift kick to restart my passion for writing. We all become lazy at times. Some days I won't want to do this, but I have to. I guess you're wondering more about me? Well, I am 35 years old. I grew up in a small river town in Kentucky. I had the Mayberry childhood, so to speak. I am the youngest of my family. I have lots of neices and nephews. Including a great nephew and a great neice that is on her way into this world. I live with my parents, who have been married 41 years, still in love. And crazy as ever, but more on that in later posts. I am the parent of a four legged, furry nut named Lucy. She is the light of my life. There will be more on her in future blogs too, I'm sure. Other than that there isn't much to say. I hope you will continue to come back to my blog, to see old reflections of me, as well as new ones.