A New Reflection

I've been learning as of late, that I have an inner strength I didn't know was there before. All my life I have been made to feel, by only a few, weak. I used to go to church. A LOT. I read my Bible, I went Sunday, Wednesday and every time they had a function. But, no matter how welcoming they were, I still felt different. I felt closer to what I percieved as God, outside under the tree in the backyard, or looking up at the moon, or even getting hugs and kisses from my dog Lucy. As I watched others at my church, I felt I was watching something I shouldn't be a part of. I even had a panic attack one Sunday and had to leave the Sanctuary. So, I went searching. Searching to see if, what I percieved as faith was real, or something that had been impressed on me because of family tradition. Mind you, my mother stopped going to church when I was a child, except the occassional times she would go. But, every time she went with me, she had something to criticize. The preacher the way he preached. The people they way they swayed and danced to the music. Even the music itself. My mother is a great woman, and I love her. But she is one of the reasons I started searching. In 2009, I was in the hospital. 5 surgeries, 4 different stays. All in a span of 58 days. I almost died, because they my blood pressure was too high and they shot me with a medicine that brought my heart rate down to 14 bpm. I didn't die, but I quit breathing 3 times and woke up 5 days later wtih a difibulator on my chest. The day I had surgery, the pastor of the church I was going to and his wife, came to pray with me. I have this cousin, who is very sweet and means well, who would come pray for me every time Mom would conveniently be home resting from taking care of me. He prays "in tongues". Weird thing was, every time he prayed for me, I got worse. In a morphin stupor, I recall telling my sister I did not want him praying for me anymore. So, he stopped coming. I don't know if by choice, or if she said something. Let's fast forward, to fall 2009. I was depressed, still recovering, and lonely. So I found a site called WireClub, and started to at least interact with people virtually. It made me feel better. In fact, one of the best friends I had was an Australian satanist. I also met many Wiccans, and other pagans. The christians I met, though few and far between, were only on that site to spread what I percieved as hate. The pagans embraced me. So I started researching Wicca and Witchcraft. I found so much of myself. I would read things, then remember things that would happen to me as a child, and it all connected. Kind of like a pentagram. Now I know the pentagram has some negative connotations connected to it. But, if you know geometry, all a pentagram is, is a five pointed star. I found what I was looking for. I found my "Spiritual Parents", whom I call The God and Goddess, in everything. The moon, the sun, the rocks, the grass, the birds, everything. That's kind of where I was leading in my blog from yesterday. The earth became a live sanctuary, and I finally found what I was looking for. I have to hide myself from many, especially my own mother. She has her suspicions, I'm sure. She and my sister, though lovingly, guilted me out of my path. But my spiritual sister, Raven, stood by me anyway. After the Goddess showed me a dream, Raven was right there, to embrace me back on my path with open arms. Has anyone from my christian church called to see if I'm even alive? Nope. But Raven, through texts, emails, Facebook, and packages, reassures me everyday that she is by my side no matter what. Has changing my path changed me? Spiritually, yes. I am more alive spiritually as a pagan. But has it changed who I AM? No. I am still the same goofy, stubborn, courageous, loving, hopeful, faithful girl I was a christian. The only thing hat changed is the reflection of myself that I see in everything else.